It was practically one year ago when I announced to my social media friends and family, that motherhood had distracted me from (my definition of) self-care. I was asking for support and ultimately- I felt that accountability partners would accelerate the motivation I needed to accomplish certain goals. Surprise, surprise- I was not alone.
In a short 24 hours, we had established a group of over 100 women, who all shared the same struggles. We were busy, we were tired, and we were in the habit of casting our basic desires to the wayside. Our intent was to empower each other! What do you want for yourself? Which activities are worth carving some time out for? In unison-
"I want to lose weight," "I need to find a diet that works- so I can lose weight," "I need to stick to an exercise routine- so I can lose weight."
Of course, there were other ambitions we were attempting at; putting laundry away after we wash it was a popular one. Wearing jeans instead of leggings on weekdays seemed easy enough. DRINK MORE WATER, a total crowd favorite. But at the end of the day, I still found myself falling short emotionally. I didn't want to admit it, but I was failing to meet my expectations. Even when on track with certain goals, I didn't FEEL better. I felt exactly the same- busy and tired.
So, the group? It fizzled.
And me? I was at square one.
Self-Care was the biggest app trend of 2018 (Shape Magazine.) It also accounts for close to $10 Billion in the US, alone, and is expected to grow, every damn year. (The Market Watch... and me). Basically, the self-care industry is about 2 bath bombs and one mindset coach away from its own bonafide holiday. I predict we'll be buying cards for ourselves soon, in recognition of the love that we are practicing to have for our own body and mind. (Take it away, Hallmark.)
But we need to dig deeper. We need to understand that we've been limiting ourselves to the marketing efforts of a money-making industry. It's time to level up. Self-care is more than the "look good, feel good" propaganda, plastered all over the media. Mom's especially, need to tackle the overwhelm and exhaustion first before they can even scratch the surface on society's definition of self-care. The truth is, self-care practices for Mom's are met with a different set of circumstances than everyone else, and therefore cannot be held to the same standards.
We have our own set of rules that qualify as self-care, and if we start to apply these notions as a prerequisite to society's value of the definition, we may feel a little less overwhelmed with the practice. In fact, we might be ahead of the game and not even realize it. See for yourself.
1- The well being of your family, is absolutely self-care. If you are hard on yourself for not finding YOU time, but you have undoubtedly put every inch of effort into providing your children and family with love, emotional stability, and a safe living environment- you are practicing a (typical) mother's most cherished aspect of her own life. Personally, I worry for nothing else than the wellbeing of my kids. Even when I worry about my own health issues, and Google has me dying tomorrow, I am most concerned over how my kids will survive this world without their mother. Which brings me to #2)
2- Stop trying to lose weight (and go see your doctor.)
I have never met anyone who actively lost weight and instantly felt better about themselves. Confidence is a learned behavior. It is not overnight. It needs to be nourished and practiced daily. A diet and exercise routine, for the purpose of being skinnier, is not self-care. Choosing to be more mindful of how we treat our bodies, to be healthy and live longer lives for our children, is a method of shifting perspective and is a component of self-healing. If you do nothing else for yourself, at least do this: go see your doctor. They have professional insight into your overall health, and if necessary, can provide you with suggestions that can set you on a path to a healthier lifestyle.
3- Make a list of your house responsibilities. Take it all in. Read it again! Have everything on it? Cool! None of the items on this list is self-care. Should we ignore it? NO! Now, if you read it out loud to everyone who benefits from your extra hard work, then yes. Perhaps that would bring some satisfaction to the monotonous act of doing laundry. But at the end of the day, it has never, and will never be an aspect of self-care. Still, since it's such a pain point, I will give you some advice. If you are able, delegate. If not, suck it up. The laundry won't do itself. And you do it better than everyone else in your house, anyway.
4- Mom guilt can help you instead of hurt you. You will never have enough time to accomplish all the things you are setting out to do on a daily basis. You will often let your emotion's get the best of you. There will be days when your kids will tell you that you're the best mom ever. And you may have night's when you cry because you could have done a little better. As mom's, we tend to forget all of the amazing things we do, because they are ingrained habits, at the core of our being. We are always feeling our best when our loved ones are happy and joyful. So if guilt ever presents itself, as it is an inevitable emotion, let's start to use it as a learning tool. Let's refer to it when we are trying to communicate our feelings. Let's remember it so we can choose better next time.
5. Strengthen your most treasured adult relationships. For me, I lean on my husband (and my parents). Maybe you do too! Or perhaps you have a sibling, or best friend to confide in. It is very easy for a mom to get caught up in her routines, worries, thoughts, and responsibilities. Having an adult, who is emotionally equipped to understand your mindset and attempts to balance you out is pivotal to a mom's wellbeing. I have teamed up with a man who is able to plan ahead, but still, be very present in the moment. I probably give him a lot of grief! But the reality is, we make the effort to balance each other out. Because we have the support of each other, I feel safe to be my most vulnerable self, when I need to be.
And that's really it, folks! There you have it. Moms are in their own league and we need to stop trying to fit into a "one size fits all" box of lies. We have extensions of ourselves walking around outside of us. Self-care starts with them! And we really do feel our best when they are feeling their best! We are not ignoring our own happiness. I may be tired, but I promise you, my cup is quite full.
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